I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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