You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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