I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Randomize
