You're completely useless in the revolution.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
