be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
