the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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