My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
