i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
