You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
