His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
