can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
