but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
