She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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