That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
