go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
