who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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