What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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