I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
