it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
