hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
