On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
