Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
