Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
