this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
