i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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