You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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