my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
