so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
