Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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