i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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