I am in a vortex of obligation.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
