Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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