I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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