i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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