Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
