woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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