Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
