We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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