Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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