need another drink. this is the easiest way
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just googled if crying burns calories
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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