Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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