He kissed a someone with a penis
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
