And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
