you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
