Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
