i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
