hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
