I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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