Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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