did you get engaged???
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
