you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
