guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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