You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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