I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
