Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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